New Russian Chronicles
Surviving monotaxocausofilia

Catherine the Awesome

Let me introduce you to Catherine the Great, aka Catherine II of Russia.

Cathy for her friends

It’s funny (read: bad) that she’s is remembered more for scandal than for the fact that she must have been a pretty decent administrator. I mean, indentured servants lived as bad during her reign as with her dad Peter the Great and as bad as later on, but she built stuff in Russia, bought more modern weapons for the army and won some wars apparently.

And now let’s turn to scandal, because let’s be honest, that’s why you are reading this. If it was a history lesson you’d have disconnected already.

Yeah, Cathy was admirable because she was a girl with cojones. And I’m sorry if I have to use a reference to male genitalia, I’m not trying to be sexist ok? You know what I mean. The girl had oomp, she had chutzpa, she would not let any random idiot or old, stupid tradition get in her way.

Let’s consider, first, how she came to the throne. She came to the throne because she was married to Peter the III, tsar or Russia. Can you believe the bullshit? A lifetime of getting told that you are a pretty flowervase, to be seen but not heard, and married to some kooky asshole. But that’s when she started showing her mettle. She wouldn’t let a bad tsar spoil her game (of Victoria II), so she organized a coup d’état, had her husband arrested, probably roughed by the Ismailovsky regiment (This history doesn’t tell us, but if the soldiers had gone over to the tsarina and arrested the tsar, it´s reasonable to believe they tested how firm his teeth were in his mouth). I mean, the guy was the tsar and he signed a document handing the throne to her, don’t tell me they just asked politely!!

Another point to remember Cathy for, and this is the real meat of this article, was sex. I am sure she had heard decades of “oh the tsarina must be chaste, sex is bad, blah blah”. And she? She decided that it was all bullshit, that the noble, horizontal sport was the bee’s knees. She was liberated, and that is good.

Apparently she liked it so much that not everybody could handle her. And that’s considering she usually chose her lovers not just for their physical beauty, they had to be smart to hold her interest. That’s one girl I like.
Her most famous lover was prince Potemkin, who rose to very important positions thanks to her patronage… and to his ability, because he had quite an amazing story of doing awesome statesmany stuff.

But I am mentioning him here because he once complained to her that he didn’t just want to be “emperor of the night” and for a while retired to a monastery. I mean, yeah, he was defending his dignity and all but….. he couldn’t handle her. Whatever history might say, Grigori Potemkin quit on Cathy the great. She must have been several handfuls…

But he must have been doing something right. You know that famous Einsestein movie, known for being one of the first examples of coordinated mass scenes in cinema, Battleship Potemkin? Well, now you know why the battleship had that name…

Anyway, I think we should all celebrate people who like sex and have no problem or hang ups with it.

That said, Cathy was tsarina and had lots of money, so we finally get to the point: her furniture.

This table is a bit cocked to the rig…. oh come on, you know what I mean.

ha ha dicks

Funny uh? It reeks to me of “Oh I’m queen and I don’t now what to do with my money anymore!!”, but we can forgive you that, Cath, you were an example for all of us, in your openness, in your enjoying of the noble, horizontal sport, in your enjoying and use of men (not that they complained).

You were an example to how muc better could life be, if we didn’t have shit in our heads about sex. A true example, that would merit calling you “Catherine the Awesome” instead of Catherine the great.

An example… except in furniture taste.


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