New Russian Chronicles
Surviving monotaxocausofilia

Tips for frequent travelers

You probably know that I am a frequent traveller. So I thought, why not share some of the (probably silly) tips I’ve learn over the years?

– The fastest way to go through security is to stuff all your metallic objects in your coat pockets, and shove that into the x-ray machine. Then you can put on your now-heavy coat and walk away faster, to redistribute your chattels somewhere else. Also don’t forget to take out your computer and stuff from the bag, and all those stupid little humiliations you must go through, to travel.

– When you are waiting to board,
don’t stand in line with all the other sheep. Every time I wait, comfortably seated, and I board the last. I never fail to find a seat or space for my suitcase anyway, and I avoid standing around awkwardly. Alternatively, there’s priority boarding, but…

– Learn how to sleep in planes.
Specially, hypnotise yourself to fall asleep automatically just by touching the fabric of an airplane seat. That one should be self explanatory. Otherwise you could read.

– Study the Stoic doctrine. It does wonders for the airport-dweller.

– Try to use ryanair and do check in online. That means, specially if you only carry hand luggage, that they don’t weigh it, so you can go wild and pack whatever. Nope. The damn devils caught wind of what I (and everyone else) was doing, so they now weigh everything.

– Non-communication electronic equipment can be used except when taking off and landing.
Don’t take their bullshit.

– If you take you computer with you, have a wifi antenna with promiscous mode in it. It takes hours, but if you are a frequent traveller you’ll end up getting the password of the employee only wifi, meaning free internet! with you. It is true that some wifi carriers cause problems , but if you’ve got skype, you can use skype to pay for your Orange airport connection! Long live Estonia!

– Take the train. Seriously. Sleepers are cheap if bought in advance. If you are American you are out of luck I guess.

– Duty free shops are not cheap. Seriously. You might not pay taxes, but because people think they are cheap, they decided to rack up prices a couple of years ago. There’s no point in it, they are (news flash!) tourist traps!

– Don’t go to Beauvais in Paris. Are flights THAT cheap that they compensate the time wasted and the 30 euros the shuttle costs? Usually not.

– Watch Up in the Air.
Not only it is deemed “One of George Clooney’s best performances” (which means he used his second facial expression, of the two he’s got), but it also gives you tips for the luxury traveller. Which I don’t get to use. But it also gives you quite a nice view on the isolated existence of those of us, poor luckless victims of wanderlust.

– Play Flight Simulator on your computer regularly. That way you will be prepared to take control of the plane in case of an emergency. It might sound scary, but think about this: If you were given the opportunity of gaining the respect of former travellers, to get it on with the stewardesses (their gratitude for saving their lives) and to do an Immelman manouver with a passenger plane just to show how cool you are…… would you pass on the opportunity?

No, of course you wouldn’t.

– Use alcohol or drugs before going on the plane. I was a sceptic, but it really helps with those long, mindless flights.

– Stand up to those security controls. I hate them, they are nothing else than sharp protrusions of the upcoming POLICE STATE, I HATE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE I JUST WANT TO GET UP FROM POINT A TO POINT B, I’M FED UP WITH AIRPORT BULLSHIT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!

– Watch this video: British Bearways. (I don’t like men in that way, but the guy in the video is amazing, I love him!)

My most important piece of advice I can give you, on this topic:

– Have someone wait for you at the arrivals terminal. Seriously. Remember that scene from Kevin Smith’s Dogma? It nails it.

For reference: Watch this video and skip it to 5:40.
Don’t take it from me, hear a real authority, a fallen angel no less, tell you how it is!

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2 comentarios to “Tips for frequent travelers”

  1. 🙂 Fortunately, girls don’t have to deal with a mass of metal objects in our pockets, we keep them in our purse (with the exception of those who have a liking for metal jewelry, but most of that is considered a weapon now anyway).

    😦 I can’t believe you gave away the secret of boarding quickly and comfortably…..

    ?? Why exactly can’t Americans benefit from sleeper cars? I happen to like them… except the one time my train car was full of loud drunk Germans. It smelled like a frat house and I got no sleep at all. So, proceed with caution. Sleepers can be a gamble on comfort.

    😀 I seriously hope that you – or a devoted reader that has taken your advice – are on my plane in the event that both the pilot and co-pilot suffer simultaneous heart attacks (just not you AND the devoted reader, because I see the potential for a fist fight over who gets to save the day and sleep with the flight attendants. Thus, leading us all to doom).

    ❤ That movie is awesome. Another great airport seen opens my favorite movie ever… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3GWzLpkVdg

  2. I totally agree with you Pablito!


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