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I muse about Rome

I’ve just made an incredible discovery. Really, ground-breaking. So much so that I’m about to publish a scientific paper on the matter.

I all started to dawn on me a week ago, when I was working at FAO. You see, the FAO building is a freaking maze. I get lost every time. Lots of similar corridors. The only points of reference are the posters on the walls. Yeah, it’s confusing.

But the other salient point is that, when you start looking for the restrooms, you find a little surprise. The men’s and women’s restrooms, instead of being side by side as in any normal place in the world, are in different corridors. But not the opposite corridor, or the opposite wall. No, just somewhere random. And screw my luck, I always find the woman’s restroom first (if anyone makes a joke about this you are banned! Have a nice day!), which gives me absolutely no indication to find the men’s. Oh well.

At least in the current meeting there’s a side door that leads directly to a corridor with my favorite FAO related objects: Fountains that dispense Soda. Seriously. How cool is that?

Anyway, so I was wondering how could it be that I always got lost in this building and how come that they restrooms for different genders are in seemingly random locations to each other.

And then it started dawning on me. But I wanted to be sure, so I took some paper, made some maths… and yes, my initial instinct was right:

Rome is built not in 3, but in 4 dimensions.

Yeah! That’s exactly it! I mean, if you want we’ll sit sometime and I’ll do the math for you, but if you don’t happen to know non-Euclidean geometry then the explanations will probably drag on for one entire evening or two. Alternatively we can drop some acid and you’d see for yourself.

Anyway, to the point, my discover is not only of academic interest. It actually explains all the troubles I’ve been having with Rome. Well, not just me, everyone. Lemme make a list of them.

– Restrooms at FAO:
Already explained this one. But yeah, in three dimensions they seem to be far apart from each other and with no logical link between the position of the one and the other. But in 4 dimensions they are right beside each other!

– Driving: You always thought that Italians were aggressive, rough drivers. Now you’ve proven wrong! They are cautious, polite, corteous. Even friendly. But poor guys, they are trying to negotiate roads that are actually not straight! (Even if they look straight. That’s an illusion. They have 4 dimensions, remember).

– Public Transport: Little need to explain. Just, now I know why it takes 35 minutes for a bus to arrive and stuff.

– Difficulty to move around: I used to think that Rome was also unfriendly to pedestrians. Not just because of the cars, also because, well, the layout of the city is weird, so walking from one part to another is not that easy. Now I know why. And that’s why there are so many churches! It’s just that there’s one for every surface on the 4th dimension.

– Real state prices: You see, Rome is even more expensive than Paris. Incredible but true. Because, you know, 4 dimensions might deter travellers, or drivers, but it doesn’t deter business. So here they charge you through the nose, since they offer more dimensions. The flat might look small in those three dimensions, but it sure costs 1000 euros a month, right?

Although, you know, maybe that’s the Italians having a fucked up economy and the landlords being cheeky monkeys. (Note: I use cheeky monkeys to translate the Spanish caraduras. That’s the only thing wordreference offers, and I’ll have to make do. Personally I’d say “Fucking scamming bastards” but what do I know.) (Maybe it’s the dimensions thing that fucks with their minds and makes them elect Berlusconi)

– The Plumbing: You see, I have a lot of troubles with Italian plumbing.

You see, to start with, you flush the toilet using a button on the wall. That would be ok it if freaking worked. You have to push hard and repeatedly, like if you were revving up an old motorcycle.
That’s not the end of my problems with Italian plumbing, but I don’t want to become too graphic.

So…. I think you see where this is headed. Bad transport, expensive, crazy politics, crazy people, bad roads… and much more things!

So yeah, I am NOT moving to Rome.

Anyway, music.


Una respuesta to “I muse about Rome”

  1. wow, that makes me miss Rome a bit.

    One Italian explained to me that Italians are very courteous drivers, with a different set of priorities. They want everyone to get where they are going as fast as possible. If that means creating 5 lanes at the stop light when in reality there are only 3, they will make that accommodation, or driving down 1 way streets, or on sidewalks… It’s all in the best interest of getting people where they need to be faster, which is very considerate (and possibly it takes longer to get places in 4 dimensions, so they need to be extra efficient).

    It would be a tough city to live in forever, but fun for a year or two. I wanna go back and see the 4 dimensions!


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